It’s the last day of August and I’m just confused as to where the summer went! It flew by and I feel like I didn’t get to do anything but also feel like I did everything! I was talking to a friend about how fast the summer went by and how I felt like I didn’t get to do anything and nothing happened and she was like, “Uh, you got engaged.” OH YEAH that is right. And I moved to Chicago and went to see Beyonce at On The Run II, which was life-changing obviously. Those things felt like the highlight of my summer but I wanted to do so much more.
As you get older the idea of summer as this kind of transformational event that happens every year for three months changes. Everyone has to work and has obligations that don’t stop once the school calendar is up. We don’t get a summer break anymore, unless you work some kind of job that revolves around the school year. So summer comes around and I always have this irrational thought that I’ll suddenly have so much time to do summer things. Camping, amusement parks, the beach, music festivals, having a summer beach bod (this never happens), road trips,summer reading list, patio drinks, these are all things I look forward to when I think about the summer.
Summer isn’t my favorite season. I’m not a fan of hot weather and I’m not the kind of person that thrives being outdoors, so summer doesn’t do much for me. I just love the idea of summer, that it’s this time to do all these fun things and go on vacation or road trips etc. Fall is my favorite time of the year! September is still warm and you can just sense or the spirit of fall in the air. With October brings my favorite holiday: Halloween.
October is always a big month for my fiance and I. We make sure to have horror movie marathons every weekend, complete with Halloween themed snacks and pumpkin spice flavored EVERYTHING! Going to haunted houses, corn mazes, and Halloween parties are also a must. I love going to stores and seeing the autumn themed decor and items, especially at Target and Bath & Body Works (which gets ALL my money during the fall). Lighting one of their candles, putting on a cozy sweater and curling up with a supernatural thriller is the only form of self-care I participate in during these three months. I’m basic, I know.
November is super important because…IT’S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!! I was brought into this world on November 4th which makes me a Scorpio so look out for any #scorpio traits I may display on the blog. I used to get really excited for my birthday because of the attention (duh) and would make extreme demands but I’ve mellowed out a lot as I’ve gotten older. I’m much more into just going to dinner and eating very expensive cheeses and wine. If anything my birthday has become a reminder of my imminent mortality. Still, my birthday is something to look forward to because yay I made it another year! November also has Thanksgiving which is another favorite holiday because food.
So now that summer is coming to a close (I know technically there’s a few more weeks left), I’m looking forward to my favorite season. Although I didn’t complete all of my summer goals, I’m not being hard on myself about not accomplishing all of them. I completed the ones I needed to complete and the rest weren’t the end of the world. The path to productivity isn’t a straight shot or quick and easy. The key is to prioritize and remember that you don’t have to do everything. Sometimes you realize that some goals just aren’t that important.
This week something inside me finally clicked. I had the realization that holy sh*t, I’m getting married. AND I have to plan this thing! I’ve been engaged for about two months, but it’s been a hectic two months with the move and the job search and adjusting to the city. I’m not going to lie and act like I haven’t been planning my wedding in my head for years, with many different grooms, (looking at you Nick Jonas). But now that this is my reality, I’ve felt removed from this process.
I’ve always fantasized about planning a wedding but it feels like I kind of stumbled into being a bride. I’ve been with my fiancé for over four years now and every step in our relationship has progressed naturally. From meeting to dating to becoming exclusive to moving in together to getting engaged, it just kind of happened. We knew we wanted to marry each other a long time ago. Upon sharing our engagement news, a friend told me, “That’s amazing, when you first met, you said that was going to be your husband! You already knew.” And I did, I remember being on the phone with my friends the next day after we met, gushing about how I met my soulmate and I was going to marry him.
Getting engaged wasn’t a surprise, but crossing the line from girlfriend to fiancé and eventually wife is, for lack of a better word, weird. Like we’re the same people but there’s like a heavy expectation now. Am I supposed to be acting different, like someone’s wife? The angry feminist inside me rages at this notion. I know that’s not the case but still. So for the last few months I’ve had to remind myself that I’m engaged. It’s almost a shock at random times where I happen to glance at the rock on my finger and I’m like sh*t when did that happen?
But this week I’ve been in full engagement mode. The wedding is all I want to talk about. And I feel like I deserve to be happy about it. Literally the day after my engagement I received bad news. Immediately my engagement high was shot down and I had to go into survival mode. Focus on day by day, go to work, get ready for the move, stay above water. It was one trial after the other, not ever catching a break from life. And all engagement thoughts were crammed in a box and shoved to the back of my mind. Any mention of the wedding was met with half hearted replies and a fake smile. How can I even begin to think about a wedding when everything else is falling apart?
Brick by brick, I began building my walls up. I couldn’t let myself focus on the future, the lifelong commitment I was about to sign up for, or the big party to celebrate it. Something that had no plan and felt so far from reality. I had to focus on the now and what was in front of me, something I could touch or fix. I felt more angry than anything. I felt like this moment was stolen from me, that this time in my life wasn’t supposed to be like this.
So I didn’t let myself be truly happy about it. I pulled myself away from my engagement which in turn pulled me away from my fiancé. I wasn’t thinking about him or our relationship. I thought about all of these outside influences that were impacting my expectations of this time in my life. (Those damn expectations again!) I didn’t think about what really mattered, the love between my fiancé and I and the choice we are making to spend our lives together. Because at the end of the day, our love will outlast the engagement and the wedding.
I’ve been slowly knocking down those walls, getting used to wearing my ring all the time, researching venues, reading bridal magazines and books. I’ve been having long conversations with my best friend about bridesmaid duties and my mom about color schemes and caterers. I’ll talk to anybody who’s willing to listen because I’m ready. I’m ready to dive headfirst into all the planning and wedding shenanigans. Most importantly, I’m ready to marry the guy who lets me cry on his shoulder about Nick Jonas’ engagement!(He’s the best, so secure.)