Scorpio Season

Scorpio Season

Hello all, welcome to Scorpio season! Just wanted to make a random update post about life in general. I can’t believe October is almost over and my birthday is in less than two weeks! Life comes at you fast. I have soooo many thoughts about turning 25 but I’ll save them for another time because I’m still processing it aka being very dramatic about getting older.

Productivity goals: I want to spend more time away from my phone. I waste SO much time on it. We’ve all been programmed to check our phones first thing in the morning, anytime we have a free moment, even at the dinner table. I get it, it’s just the way we live now. But I want to make a conscious effort to be more present and spend more time doing other things like reading books (I’m super behind on my reading challenge) and writing.

What I’m reading: I just finished The Good House by Tananarive Due and she’s becoming one of my favorite authors. There’s not a lot of black female horror writers and I’m glad I discovered her. This book is perfect for a creepy Halloween read. Now I’m indulging myself with some nostalgia by reading some Christopher Pike, best known for writing 80’s/90’s teen thrillers. I lived on his books and R. L. Stine’s as a kid and Halloween is my favorite time to revisit them.

What I’m watching: First thing’s first, go see A Star Is Born. This movie captivated me in a way that I haven’t felt in a long time. It was such an emotional ride. I loved Lady Gaga in this but Bradley Cooper was the star. This movie was clearly a passion project for Cooper who starred, directed and co-wrote. He completely transformed into Jackson Maine, lowering his voice and learning how to sing and play guitar. And the music in this film is soooo good, I’ve been playing the soundtrack nonstop. I don’t want to give away any spoilers but I cried, a lot.

Also, I just saw The Hate U Give and this film (based on the YA book of the same name) is about a young girl who witnesses her friend getting shot and killed by a police officer. I cannot stress or even express how important this book and film is. There was some backlash regarding the casting of Amandla Stenberg because of the ongoing colorism issue in Hollywood (and society in general). It made me a bit wary of this project but it turned out to be a good film with an even more important message.

As far as TV goes, I’ve been catching up on the second season of Riverdale on Netflix and starting The Haunting of Hill House on there as well. Let’s just say within the first five minutes of watching Hill House, my fiancé screamed, jumped and almost dropped his food.

Thinking about: NaNoWriMo aka National Novel Writing Month. This approach to writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days is something I’ve thought of participating in for awhile. I’ve put off doing this for the last couple of years but I think this year may be my chance. I have an idea and an outline and plenty of notes already. Now hopefully I’ll have the time.
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Email Anxiety

Email Anxiety

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Hello all! I know it’s been a few weeks since my last post and it seems that is pretty counterproductive for the content of the blog, but life happens. It doesn’t always allow us to be as productive as we’d like. Life has been moving right along for me, between work, getting used to the city, making new friends, finishing Real Housewives of New York (why Bethenny and Carole, just why???) meeting Samantha Irby!!! (check out my IG for more on that) and of course dealing with everyday stressors and anxiety.

Unexpected things happen all the time that can trigger anxiety. For example, we went out of town for a few days last week and came home to a leak from the ceiling over our bathroom. Luckily it was right above the toilet so most of it dripped into it. Unluckily, it’s our only toilet so it made it hard to use the restroom. Also our landlord wasn’t answering the phone or responding which fueled my anxiety even more.

My home is my sanctuary, my safe place. So any issues with it that is beyond my control wreaks havoc on my spirit. So that led to a panicked freakout  in the middle of Target (where we had to use the restroom at). What if he doesn’t fix this? What if we have to move? Where would we live? What if we become homeless until we find another place? How will we take a shit until then? (Please save the “hold a bucket over your head” comments because that ish sucks.) Well it took a few days for the issue to be resolved but it eventually did. But I was miserable the whole time.

Another source of anxiety for me is correspondence. I have almost extreme email/phone anxiety. I don’t even like to order food over the phone. I literally write myself scripts for when I absolutely have to make a call. But I especially despise unexpected emails or phone calls. I spent the better part of the last week agonizing over ONE email. It caught me off guard and I wasn’t sure how I wanted to respond. Not just the wording but the actions that the email requested.

A symptom of my anxiety is rumination. The amount of time I spend pacing my 200 square ft apartment with racing thoughts like: I’m not sure how to respond. How should I word this? Is that too many exclamation points? Do I need to respond immediately? I want to say no but I don’t want them to hate me. I don’t know what to do. What if I just…don’t respond? Why can’t people just leave me alone?

Then I’ll just distract myself well enough for a bit and things start to feel normal. Until the dread that had settled in the pit of my stomach slowly creeps back up like thought vomit. And then I’m back to square one and that email still needs to be addressed!

Well in this day and age, it is impossible to not communicate via phone or email. Not in the professional world and especially not in the field of media. Calls/texts/emails are all pathways to constant correspondence. I believe this is what I have trouble the most with. I don’t like this 24/7 access.

So how does one make it work for them? I’m trying this new thing out where I don’t check my email after 6pm unless if I’m expecting something. And if I crack and absentmindedly end up on the mail app on my phone and see something I don’t like, I take a deep breath and allow myself to ignore it. I need to remind myself that it’s not a matter of life and death. It can wait.

I’m going to try this out and if I don’t find relief I may consider even committing to only checking my work email once a day. Ugh I need office hours or something! As an introvert, I’m learning what my boundaries are and how to enact them without upsetting those close to me or hurting myself professionally. And it hasn’t been easy. But it’s definitely necessary.

Does anyone else deal with email/phone anxiety? What are some tips or ways you deal with it? How do you set professional boundaries? Thanks people!
Summer Reading Highlights

Summer Reading Highlights

Does anyone else ever run into the problem of when you discover all these new, cool books and put them on hold at the library and then they all become available at the SAME time? Then it becomes a rush of prioritizing which books you want to read first and which ones you can wait to put on hold again. Well that happens to me all the time.

It goes like this: You gasp in excitement when you get the email notifying you that your hold has become available, so you immediately download it onto your kindle or you rush to the library to pick it up. A few hours later you get another notification that another book has become available and you download it. The next day you get yet ANOTHER email for a book and this happens at least 4 more times until you have no loans left and you’re trying to figure out what TV show you’re putting on hold to find time to read all of these books.

Sometimes (most of the time) I don’t get to all of the books. But I’ve learned to relax when it comes to reading. I’m probably never going to read every single book out there, especially when there’s so many great new ones that come out all the time. For the most part, I read for pleasure. Sure reading inspires me and I learn new things all the time but I read because it’s fun. Is it a form of escapism? Definitely. But it’s more than that.
As I’ve gotten older I tried to pressure myself to read more classic literature or educational nonfiction about history or technology  or even self-help. I love the idea of self help books. But I can never get into them.  The ones about “adulting” or productivity or the Secret or whatever the newest diet trend is really fascinate me. I try but I just find myself staring at the pages, reading but not really taking it in.

And as far as classic literature, you know the kind. If you google “classic literature” you’ll find results like War and Peace, Jane Eyre or Pride and Prejudice. These are books that we’ve been conditioned to think that “writers” enjoy or MUST read. I’m sure they are all very beautiful pieces of literature and there’s a reason that they’re classics, but it’s not for me, at least not right now. And I don’t feel bad. Maybe my tastes are too vapid to get the big deal, but for now I’m going to read for joy. If that means I spend all my time going through so called “chick-lit” novels or 80’s/90’s teen horror books (think Fear Street or Christopher Pike), then fuck it. Life is too short, read what you want.

For me reading is essential and it’s important to make time for it. Every year when I come up with a list of resolutions, “read more” is always at the top. So I’ve been participating in a reading challenge where I’ve elected to read 50 books this year. Admittedly I am behind. I’ve only read 26 so far and we’re much past the halfway mark for the year. I’ve got some ways to go so I’m looking forward to these cozy fall reading days.

That being said I wanted to share a few of my favorite reads from this summer.

Limelight: A Novel by [Poeppel, Amy]

Limelight by Amy Poeppel: I adored this book! I read Amy’s debut, Small Admissions and I really enjoyed her writing. It’s hard to describe that feeling of reading someone’s writing and it suits you so well, you could be reading anything from them and love it. This book is about a woman who relocates her family from their idyllic suburban home in Texas to a cramped apartment in New York. Between trying to get her family to fit in the Big apple, an accident of chance leads to her working to a very bratty teen superstar (think Justin Bieber but worse). This was one of the first books I got from the Chicago Public Library and it helped me cope with the move because I could relate to the protagonist.

Providence: A Novel by [Kepnes, Caroline]

Providence by Caroline Kepnes: Like Poeppel, Kepnes is a writer I just vibe with. Like reallyyyy vibe with. I was introduced to her by her debut, You (which just became a show premiering on Lifetime this week!) and that book reminded me of why I love reading so much. I devoured that book in 2 days. She has a way of writing villainous characters and making them the hero in your eyes. Told from the point of view of a stalker Joe Goldberg, this book follows him as he falls in love with Beck, typical attention-seeking millenial and he does anything to keep her close to him, including murder. Don’t fall in love with Joe, okay he’s a murderer. Wait, I’m talking about her newest book Providence! But do yourself a favor and read You. Providence is more of a supernatural romance and it’s told from three different POV’s spanning over several years. Filled with H.P. Lovecraft references, and a plot that kind of revolves around The Dunwich Horror, this book makes you want to rush to the end to see how this tragic romance plays out. Honestly, this is probably my least favorite book of hers but her writing makes it worth a read. She has a knack for writing about murderous men but it’s her strong character development and voice that is so distinct and compelling. Her characters come alive right there on the page, leaving you wanting more when the book is finished.

Something New: Tales from a Makeshift Bride by [Knisley, Lucy]

Something New: Tales from a Makeshift Bride by Lucy Knisley: This is a graphic novel that details one bride’s journey down the aisle. I haven’t read too many, if any graphic novels that I can remember so this was a nice introduction. Lucy never planned on being a traditional bride and she writes about her mixed feelings of traditions and social expectations that come with weddings.  Accompanied with fun drawings and depictions of events and witty observations of wedding culture as a whole, this book is a MUST read for new brides and for anyone who wants a look into the world of wedding planning. I loved her take on different wedding conventions and found we hold similar views on traditional weddings and staying true to ourselves during the process.

One Day We'll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter: Essays by [Koul, Scaachi]

Someday We’ll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter: Essays by Scaachi Koul: Again this is another writer I just “get”. In this collection of essays, she shares personal stories about a range of topics like getting stuck in a skirt in a fitting room, bringing her white boyfriend home to her Kashmiri parents that immigrated from India, and a long five day family wedding in Jammu. Koul also tackles serious topics such as racism, rape culture and the patriarchy. She writes the way she talks and I love watching her on Buzzfeed’s Follow This on Netflix. Read a few of her articles on Buzzfeed to get a taste of her intelligent wit and be prepared to laugh out loud while reading this book.

Well, That Escalated Quickly: Memoirs and Mistakes of an Accidental Activist by [Ramsey, Franchesca]

I’ve been following Fran for a few years now with her podcast Last Name Basis with her husband Patrick and MTV’s Decoded and all of her social media pages. So I was super excited when I heard she was coming out with a book. Her book reads just like her personality. Reading it, I felt like I was just in conversation with an old friend. You can use this book as a tool for activism and how to advocate for social justice which a lot of us could use! She covers a range of topics like call out culture, internet trolls and how to talk to your offensive friends and family members. She shares her rise to internet fame and is honest about her mistakes in a real humorous way. Get this book!

A Princess in Theory: Reluctant Royals by [Cole, Alyssa]

A Princess in Theory: Reluctant Royals by Alyssa Cole: The summer wouldn’t be complete without a good romance novel.The romance genre is new for me and I’m so glad I discovered Alyssa Cole. This was a fun read about a grad student studying epidemiology and juggling lab work and different jobs to stay afloat who discovers she’s been betrothed to an African prince. This book gave me serious Black Panther vibes in regards to the prince and his fictional country, Thesolo which I am all for. It’s the first book in the Reluctant Royals series. I look forward to reading more of Cole’s work and recommend this book if you’re looking for a good romance by a woman of color.

Check out these books for your TBR lists and let me know what you think!
It’s Almost Fall!

It’s Almost Fall!

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It’s the last day of August and I’m just confused as to where the summer went! It flew by and I feel like I didn’t get to do anything but also feel like I did everything! I was talking to a friend about how fast the summer went by and how I felt like I didn’t get to do anything and nothing happened and she was like, “Uh, you got engaged.” OH YEAH that is right. And I moved to Chicago and went to see Beyonce at On The Run II, which was life-changing obviously. Those things felt like the highlight of my summer but I wanted to do so much more.

As you get older the idea of summer as this kind of transformational event that happens every year for three months changes. Everyone has to work and has obligations that don’t stop once the school calendar is up. We don’t get a summer break anymore, unless you work some kind of job that revolves around the school year. So summer comes around and I always have this irrational thought that I’ll suddenly have so much time to do summer things. Camping, amusement parks, the beach, music festivals, having a summer beach bod (this never happens), road trips,summer reading list, patio drinks, these are all things I look forward to when I think about the summer.

Summer isn’t my favorite season. I’m not a fan of hot weather and I’m not the kind of person that thrives being outdoors, so summer doesn’t do much for me. I just love the idea of summer, that it’s this time to do all these fun things and go on vacation or road trips etc. Fall is my favorite time of the year! September is still warm and you can just sense or the spirit of fall in the air. With October brings my favorite holiday: Halloween.

October is always a big month for my fiance and I. We make sure to have horror movie marathons every weekend, complete with Halloween themed snacks and pumpkin spice flavored EVERYTHING! Going to haunted houses, corn mazes, and Halloween parties are also a must. I love going to stores and seeing the autumn themed decor and items, especially at Target and Bath & Body Works (which gets ALL my money during the fall). Lighting one of their candles, putting on a cozy sweater and curling up with a supernatural thriller is the only form of self-care I participate in during these three months. I’m basic, I know.

November is super important because…IT’S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!! I was brought into this world on November 4th which makes me a Scorpio so look out for any #scorpio traits I may display on the blog. I used to get really excited for my birthday because of the attention (duh) and would make extreme demands but I’ve mellowed out a lot as I’ve gotten older. I’m much more into just going to dinner and eating very expensive cheeses and wine. If anything my birthday has become a reminder of my imminent mortality. Still, my birthday is something to look forward to because yay I made it another year! November also has Thanksgiving which is another favorite holiday because food.

So now that summer is coming to a close (I know technically there’s a few more weeks left), I’m looking forward to my favorite season. Although I didn’t complete all of my summer goals, I’m not being hard on myself about not accomplishing all of them. I completed the ones I needed to complete and the rest weren’t the end of the world. The path to productivity isn’t a straight shot or quick and easy. The key is to prioritize and remember that you don’t have to do everything. Sometimes you realize that some goals just aren’t that important.

P.S. I’m working on my fall reading list and want to share it on the blog in a few days. I’m open to suggestions so please suggest away! Creepy dark thrillers/horror encouraged!
Wedding Wednesday

Wedding Wednesday

This week something inside me finally clicked. I had the realization that holy sh*t, I’m getting married. AND I have to plan this thing! I’ve been engaged for about two months, but it’s been a hectic two months with the move and the job search and adjusting to the city. I’m not going to lie and act like I haven’t been planning my wedding in my head for years, with many different grooms, (looking at you Nick Jonas). But now that this is my reality, I’ve felt removed from this process.

I’ve always fantasized about planning a wedding but it feels like I kind of stumbled into being a bride. I’ve been with my fiancé for over four years now and every step in our relationship has progressed naturally. From meeting to dating to becoming exclusive to moving in together to getting engaged, it just kind of happened. We knew we wanted to marry each other a long time ago. Upon sharing our engagement news, a friend told me, “That’s amazing, when you first met, you said that was going to be your husband! You already knew.” And I did, I remember being on the phone with my friends the next day after we met, gushing about how I met my soulmate and I was going to marry him.

Getting engaged wasn’t a surprise, but crossing the line from girlfriend to fiancé and eventually wife is, for lack of a better word, weird. Like we’re the same people but there’s like a heavy expectation now. Am I supposed to be acting different, like someone’s wife? The angry feminist inside me rages at this notion. I know that’s not the case but still. So for the last few months I’ve had to remind myself that I’m engaged. It’s almost a shock at random times where I happen to glance at the rock on my finger and I’m like sh*t when did that happen?

But this week I’ve been in full engagement mode. The wedding is all I want to talk about. And I feel like I deserve to be happy about it. Literally the day after my engagement I received bad news. Immediately my engagement high was shot down and I had to go into survival mode. Focus on day by day, go to work, get ready for the move, stay above water. It was one trial after the other, not ever catching a break from life. And all engagement thoughts were crammed in a box and shoved to the back of my mind. Any mention of the wedding was met with half hearted replies and a fake smile. How can I even begin to think about a wedding when everything else is falling apart?

Brick by brick, I began building my walls up. I couldn’t let myself focus on the future, the lifelong commitment I was about to sign up for, or the big party to celebrate it. Something that had no plan and felt so far from reality. I had to focus on the now and what was in front of me, something I could touch or fix. I felt more angry than anything. I felt like this moment was stolen from me, that this time in my life wasn’t supposed to be like this.

So I didn’t let myself be truly happy about it. I pulled myself away from my engagement which in turn pulled me away from my fiancé. I wasn’t thinking about him or our relationship. I thought about all of these outside influences that were impacting my expectations of this time in my life. (Those damn expectations again!) I didn’t think about what really  mattered, the love between my fiancé and I and the choice we are making to spend our lives together. Because at the end of the day, our love will outlast the engagement and the wedding.

I’ve been slowly knocking down those walls, getting used to wearing my ring all the time, researching venues, reading bridal magazines and books. I’ve been having long conversations with my best friend about bridesmaid duties and my mom about color schemes and caterers. I’ll talk to anybody who’s willing to listen because I’m ready. I’m ready to dive headfirst into all the planning and wedding shenanigans. Most importantly, I’m ready to marry the guy who lets me cry on his shoulder about Nick Jonas’ engagement!(He’s the best, so secure.)

So this Wedding Wednesday, I’ll be over here drinking wine and calmly explaining to My Lover why we need a color scheme and what a boutonniere is. And I’m going to enjoy it, because in case you haven’t heard, I’M ENGAGED!!!!!!!
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8th Grade Dreams

8th Grade Dreams

Last week Moviepass ACTUALLY worked, so My Lover and I went to the movies. We saw Eighth Grade, a painfully awkward film about a 13-year-old girl finishing up the 8th grade. Filled with cringe-worthy moments of adolescence, this movie had us clenching our teeth and shifting in our seats uncomfortably. It was all very authentic, bringing many of my own embarrassing memories to mind. It was a good lesson in expectations as in the film you see Kayla going through her life first with big expectations of middle school and then with high hopes for high school. So that got me thinking about my own expectations.

Like Kayla, I had many expectations growing up as well. Having a boyfriend, being popular and having a lot of friends were some hopes we had in common. I went to a small private school with one 8th grade class so it was hard not to be well-known. I was even class president! But since it was so small, there weren’t a lot of boys to have crushes on. I literally can’t even remember any crushes I had in 8th grade.

But I did have the sky-high expectations for high school! I was definitely going to have a boyfriend on the basketball team and be a cheerleader and class president again. I would go to crazy parties and drink shitty beer and say no to drugs. I would have a really close co-ed group of friends and we would all date each other like in 90210 (the original of course). I used to be obsessed with 80’s movies and 90’s television and assumed high school would be like that. So if my fantasies of being a beloved cheerleader didn’t pan out, I was at least going to be the outcast that got the hot popular guy and takes off her glasses in the end to reveal how hot she really is.

Instead what happened is that I spent four years watching my friends have boyfriends and standing on the sidelines at dances. Instead of going to non-chaperoned ragers at so and so’s house, I was begging my Dad to take me to Barnes & Noble before they closed at 11pm. Instead of going to bonfires after football games I was at home screaming at my little sisters to STAY OUT OF MY ROOM! But my fantasies kept me occupied while my small group of friends were out doing all the things the movies told you were going to do in high school.

High school turned out to be pretty uneventful for me, I don’t even remember much. My best friend from high school is always like, “Yeah you remember whats her face? We went to school with her.” And I’m just like “Not at all.” There was some bullying and a lot of mean name calling but it was fine. Nothing extremely traumatic I can remember but maybe I’ve blocked it out of my mind and that’s why I can’t remember anything. My friends and I had code names for a lot of people, which was very Mean Girls of us, but we were angsty and stupid and catty, typical of high schoolers. They were mostly code names for guys we liked and wanted to talk about in class.

Although there wasn’t any soul-crushing events, there were still some sad times in high school. Mostly around the feeling of not belonging, not feeling seen. And like Kayla from the movie, I tried to fit in and branch out. I even ran for vice president of my high school class (president seemed too ambitious). I’ve awkwardly approached crushes and been rejected. I even mustered up the courage and asked a random dude in my class to prom. I still remember him being like, “Is that why you’ve been staring at me all class?” I denied staring at him (which I really don’t think I was but whatever) and he still declined my invitation. I shrugged it off but I’m pretty sure after that he thought I had a huge stalkerish crush on him, which I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT (in case he’s reading this). So I took one of my close girlfriends from another school to prom and ended up crying in the bathroom for most of it since it wasn’t my Pretty in Pink ending. Point is, watching Eighth Grade brought back all those awkward memories but now I’m in a place where I can laugh at it.

I can also laugh at my expectations. It’s rare that our realities match our expectations. We have all kinds of hopes for how our lives should pan out. We put so much weight into these expectations and when you look back at them it all just seems so silly. When you watch a movie like Eighth Grade you remember how serious those expectations were to you at that time and you have no choice but to laugh at them.

I was disappointed in how high school turned out but by senior year I had already moved on to my next set of expectations: college. Everyone has even bigger expectations of college but forget about them because everyone’s drunk. I decided I wanted to move far away, like New York or Chicago. I had dreams of going to NYU or maybe Northwestern. I expected college to be this kind of rebirth, a new start and I could be this new cool version of myself and get good grades and cool internships with Oprah and date an artsy hipster that worked in a coffee shop and did spoken word and was majoring in English lit or art history. Instead I partied a lot (making up for all the parties in high school I didn’t get invited to), got just okay grades and fell in love with a dude that’s obsessed with Star Wars and reads George Washington biographies for fun. I did get to have a fun internship at a video production company though. (Still doesn’t compare to Oprah).

The gap between who we are and who we think we should be is wide and far. And that gap never closes because there’s always a new set of expectations at the beginning of each chapter in our lives. We just get closer to accepting who we are and how our lives have turned out. And Eighth Grade reminded me of that acceptance.

I think my expectations of life in general have shifted and I’m realizing life owes us nothing. Did I expect that this is how I finally move to Chicago? Engaged and living in a tiny apartment and doing the same things I did in Ohio? Not at all. Life takes you on the strangest rides, and when you get off things are not how you imagined. I should say something cliché and poetic like about how that’s “what makes life beautiful”. But fuck that, it’s what makes life unpredictable. And I guess sometimes unpredictable is a good thing.
Don’t Drag Yourself, Encourage Yourself

Don’t Drag Yourself, Encourage Yourself

Yesterday morning I got an email from Instagram saying there was suspicious activity that indicated my account had been compromised and to follow steps to secure my account. So I immediately went on my computer to follow the link and reset my password. The link didn’t work and I could NOT access my account. What came next were hours of scouring the useless Instagram help center, complaining on all of their social media posts and asking close friends what my IG page looked like. My account was gone, user not found. Hundreds of photos and memories spanning years just disappeared, just like that. I tried not to be too upset about a social media page but I was. I had just taken a stroll down memory lane a few days ago, going through old pictures and screenshotting them to send to friends. We laughed about the corny captions and how young we looked. But now everything was deleted.

After I gave up trying to contact Instagram to recover my account, I face-timed a friend to bitch about it and then got a call from my sister which then turned into talking to my dad on the phone for an hour. Then my friend face-timed me again and we chatted for a little bit more.

And then before I knew it, it was f**king FIVE-THIRTY! Where did the day go??? I had so many plans; writing a blog post, finish reading my book, sending some emails, washing my hair (which you naturals KNOW that is a whole daylong process) and I did not start any of it.

At first I beat myself up. How could I waste my whole day like that? How am I supposed to be productive? I’m a lazy fraud! And sent myself into a downward spiral of despair and hopelessness. I thought about everything wrong in my life and why I’m responsible for it.

But I remembered something I heard recently on The Read podcast. The hosts of The Read have been my best friends in my head for years now. They’re the friends I turn to when I’m having a bad day or even when I’m having a great day and want to celebrate. I think of them as a form of self-care, feeling the warm comfort of old friends. On a new segment called “Crissle’s Couch”, Crissle talked about depression and forgiving yourself for not getting everything done. “You don’t move forward by dragging yourself,” she said as she went further into that feeling of having a bad day and a long list of things to do but no energy or motivation to do so.

Although yesterday I wasn’t in a depressive state and haven’t been in a few weeks, I still felt bad. I actually felt worse because there was no excuse to not get done what I wanted to get done. I was reminded that I had to forgive myself and move on. That time was already gone, I can just do better tomorrow and the next day. After I stopped dragging myself, I started tackling what I wanted to do. I made a new Instagram, I worked on some blog posts, I read my book, I washed my hair, and I had a wedding “production meeting” with my fiancé (we do this weekly). By the end of the night I felt better.

This is what this journey is about. You don’t just wake up one day and you’re immediately the most productive person in the world. You don’t just become Beyoncé. Even Beyoncé didn’t just become Beyoncé overnight.

It takes time and failure to improve and create productive habits. It also takes dedication and perseverance. Everything needs a balance. Time goes by so quickly and every minute spent not working feels like a waste. But it’s not. So I’m glad I caught up with my friend and talked to my little sister and had a heartfelt talk with my dad. Those moments spent with people close to me, especially being far away are never a waste. Still, I am annoyed at the time I spent trying to get my Instagram page back though because that was truly a waste of time. But what else can I do about it now?